While many of you think that you may be owed an apology for the considerable amount of time that has elapsed since I last posted in my journals, I refuse to give you the satisfaction. How soon you forget that if anyone should be apologized to it is I, for it looks like my relentless search for the perfect space to host my restaurant, Bestiality, has come to an end. For now….
It has come to an end because I have decided that the world, and it’s ever changing political climate, simply cannot handle the best food they have ever tasted. Now is not the time. You people wouldn’t even know what to do with yourselves, and I don’t want social media to be flooded with posts about my food and have those flavors mingle with posts about Donald Trump, North Korea, other chefs, or inclement weather – because that would simply taste awful.
So instead I have decided to delve back into simpler times, like the mid 1800’s, to inspire my newest project while I put my opus temporarily on hold.
I have set my sights on a dilapidated structure resting on the coastline, the actual structure and the specific coastline are still TBD.
It is here that I will launch my cookery practice simply known as “Ahab & Queequeg,” where the Bill of Fare will incorporate cuisine with a strong foundation in nautical, biblical, Homeric, Shakespearean, Miltonic, and cetalogical influences.
A&Q will pioneer a new style of gastronomy, one meant to thwart scurvy and promised to never, ever spoil once you take the leftovers to go. Signature dishes will include Chef Todd’s technologically advanced recreation of the hardtack biscuit, using only flour and water, and artisan cocktails like “Mouthful of Lemons,” where the whole lemon is massaged by hand for 30 minutes before being pureed whole and poured into a hand-blown glass rendition of the cup of the carpenter.
I am looking for line cooks, dishwashers, scallywags, brigands, haberdashers, busser, food runners, service bartenders, and server-trons, all with a minimum ten years’ experience re-enacting naval warfare from the 1800’s, also a bachelor’s degree in something I would be interested in learning about. I will be the judge of that.
The interview process for those seeking employment in my galley in involve using one hand to assemble an extensive mis en place while using the other hand to win three games of Bilbo Catcher, utilizing one of Chef Todd’s original Cherrywood whittlings of the time-honored classic. Once this requirement has been met, the interviewee will prepare me a meal that is both delicious and guaranteed not to cause scurvy.
In the front of the house, server-trons will be rubbed down with artisan salt pork on a daily basis, and encouraged to memorize the story of Moby Dick, as the menu will consist of a leather-bound copy of the Hermann Melville classic, with diners being encouraged to read through the book and eventually locate parts of the menu on pages 134, 219, 345, and 402. Those who stare at the table of contents for a long enough time will eventually realize that what they are really looking at is the cordial menu. Haha, who knew that there is no chapter in Moby Dick called “Fine Bottled Madeira.”
Customers who arrive at Ahab & Queequeg unprepared and unfamiliar with Chef Todd’s highly advanced sense of the way things should be will find themselves simply reading quietly at their tables until they can learn what they want to eat for dinner. Server-trons are VERBOTEN to assist in this process, and all food served to other tables will be under cloche as not to give away any hints as to what we do here.
Furthermore, to thwart customers who may have spoken to friends who have dined at A&Q previously, I will be changing the names of the menu items each night, and alternating between the King’s English and the Pig’s Latin when I do.
Construction will begin TBD.
Per usual, I leave you with a quote,
Chef Todd Dürst
“Drinking the salt water makes you thirstier.”
-Captain Ahab, c. 1845